In service, there are profundities to be found, if one is so inclined. Being a quiet, bookish, nerd tends to make me annoyingly introspective. In doing acts of service (laundry, shopping, cleaning, running errands, taking care of things for our lives, etc.), I find great comfort.
It is as if the more loud and scary the world is outside our door, the more I need structure on our side of the door. I feel like the balance is necessary for my psyche. Is it futile? Absolutely. But it does not feel quite so futile while we are in scene.
As I was putting together Sir’s clothing for the next day, it occurred to me how clever it was of Sir to require a sort of creativity every day. Our life has been difficult of late, and I tend towards depression. Yay! Depression lies—that cheap bastard—but being creative helps remind me that I can do things. I can make stuff. And, by requiring it, Sir subtly reminds me that I can be creative. That I can make stuff. That there is some small, little bit of worth that I bring to at least one other person’s life; and that feels good.
Last week, I had my first really, really bad day. I woke up crying, and the day went downhill from there. I hurt myself. I hit my thigh with the back of a hairbrush. And after I promised Sir I would not hurt myself. I have not felt so ashamed of myself in a long time. It was the first time that I believed completely in the consequences being real; that I would be safe, and I would be hurt. I was confused and angry, spiteful, and hateful. And, for me, the pain of the punishment remembered might help me remember to be more calm. Be more pliant; move with the wind.
The more our life continues this way, the more I am realizing how much I have always used pain to process my emotions. Knowing that I am less likely to be permanently harmed if I offer my pain to Sir than if I continued to hurt myself, is huge. It means that I can do other things in my life because I have this outlet. I can break rules outside because the rules are unbreakable inside. I can trust that Sir will be there to catch me, or offer an elbow for support.